philadelph-eli

It's been a while

2009-07-08T08:23:00.000-07:00

I've been off the city for a while. I'm sick of being crammed in with a bunch of sweaty, cranky city dwellers. Still, there's a few things worth mentioning.

First: Team Monday. I work Tuesday through Saturday and have Sunday and Monday off. I hate it. Team Monday began out of a bad economy and my desire to make the second half of my weekend still feel like a weekend. Myself and my two unemployed friends now go on small outings either within or in close proximity to the city. So far we have gone to Long Beach Island, Bowling at Laurel Lanes, and Putt Putt golfing. Pics and reviews to come so you can start your own Team Weekday. In the meantime you can check our facebook page for photos and links.

Second: My buddy Bill started a blog. Bill is both awesome and proving to be a more active blogger than me. I will blog vicariously through him and link often. Check out mcrighton.tumblr.com

Another New York Times nod

2009-05-08T08:58:00.000-07:00

I know, I should really be reading the philly.com, but the New York Times has such lovely pictures. Either way, they've been giving Philly the regular nod, first about the beer (see previous post) and now about the city in general. There's a great article detailing a 36 hour vacation in Philly. I feel exhausted just reading it, but must say that I endorse this article for two reasons. First, all the places listed here are worthwhile and fun. Secondly, I don't go to any of these places too often so I don't have to worry about lots of tourists getting in my way, ordering wrong and tipping lousily (is that a word?).

Stay tuned for a follow up 36 hours of how to hit Philly on the way cheep. Have any suggestions of where to go and how to not act like an asshole? Send 'em my way!

I'll drink to that!

2009-04-30T12:59:00.001-07:00

Pilsners were the beer in question in a recent New York Times piece lamenting the lack of beer options and New York's new baseball stadiums. Unlike Yankee and Met fans, Phillies fans have plenty to cheer about and so does the rest of Philadelphia's beer drinking public. Victory Prima Pils came out on top with the reviewer stating "It seemed to be alive in the glass, with wonderfully refreshing bitterness to balance the floral and citrus aromas." On a hot summer day I love a cold, crisp bitter beer and Prima Pils is a definite favorite. The brewing company itself is also great about giving back to Philadelphia sponsoring many local events (including The Print Center's Annual Auction) so that gets a big thumbs up in my book.

The other end of the state got a nod as well with Pennsylvania Brewing Company taking second place. Haven't tried their beer before, but I'll definitely be on the look out.

Check out the rest of the New York Times story here.

Philly Car Rage

2009-04-29T07:45:00.000-07:00

As a long time user of Philly Car Share and an employee of a fellow non-profit I was not that surprised at the new billing plan. I was also not that surprised at how the blogging public seemed to be handling it. I was, however, ashamed.

Do I think the announcement was handled poorly? Yes. Do I think there should be more transparency in a company that markets itself as a public service? Yes. Do I believe I have better ideas about how the company should be run--of course. We all do, but we also don't have all the facts. I think there are a few things people are forgetting.

First, to those of you complaining about how you only use it once a year--Philly Car Share is still paying to insure you those other 364 days. That is expensive. Philly Car Share is now much more expensive than taking a cab or renting a car every so often, but it is a hell of a lot cheaper than owning, maintaining, insuring and gassing up your very own car.

Secondly, when you're running a business--even a non-profit one--there is a need for a regular stream of income. When the economy, sucks grants dry up and the money needs to come from somewhere. You know how when you just buy a plain old bagel it costs 50 cents, but when you get it with cream cheese it's $1.75. You're not paying $1.25 for that lousy swab of cream cheese. You're paying for that employee to stand their and wait for that electricity sucking toaster, pull it from the tray, slap the cream cheese on, wrap it up and hand it to you. Likewise with Car Sharing--you're paying for someone to clean up the car after your kid smashes Cheerios all over the back seat, to talk to you for 15 minutes when you can't figure out how to start a Prius and to keep the electricity on in the building so they can turn on their computers to make the whole system run. And by the way, Zip Car is not the answer. The only reason they are cheap now is because they are crazy expensive in other cities. Once healthy competition is run out of town they will double in price. Ask your friends in New York how much they pay for a car. They don't know any better, but you'll be shocked!

Finally, the people who pick up the phone at Philly Car Share are people. They are your neighbors, they are your friends, they are your fellow Philadelphians and most importantly, the are most definitely not the people who made the decision to start charging you. Maybe the new charge isn't an economically good decision for you. Fine. Just cancel. Don't scream at the person on the other line. They aren't ruining your life, they're just forcing you to take a cab every so often. If you're that reliant on a service that a few years ago didn't even exist maybe you should just pony up the $15. I can't make that decision for you. I wish I had a few more days to make that decision for myself. I'm sure they will loose a lot of members. I'm sure many of those members will come back. All I'm asking is that you remember the last time your boss threw you under the bus and you had to take all the heat for it. It sucks. Practice a little decency and class up, people.

On This Day in Philadelphia Criminal History...

2009-03-25T15:15:00.001-07:00

Philly.com has this really great slide show up right now of a history of Philly crime. There is over 100 photos and some pretty colorful characters.

Flipping through the photos I stumbled upon one man who's crimes were so gruesome I found it hard to believe I had not heard of him before. Gary Heidnik probably won't ring a bell for most people, but Silence of the Lambs probably does. Heidnik was the inspiration for Thomas Harris's fictional "Buffalo Bill".

At 4:30 am on March 25, 1987, Heidnik's home in North Philadelphia was searched and a world of unimaginable horrors were unearthed. There's a great article on Gary Heidnik at the New Criminologist website and check back here for future posts about those featured in the History of Philly Crime.

Pay Up

2009-03-13T12:37:00.000-07:00

Mayor Nutter can't be getting much love these days. If you're not upset about the libraries closing, you are upset about the pools. If you don't care much for the pools than you certainly must care about the fire houses. The fact of the matter is that like so many cities out there, Philadelphia is broke. Just like the rest of the American public, we spent more than we had and our line of credit ran out. The city is spending less and tightening it's belt just like everyone else. It's also coming after everyone that owes it money. I'm sure in these times you've been thinking about that guy who borrowed $20 from you last month and how you'd really like it back. Well, the mayor is thinking that too.

The mayor held a press conference outside of a lawyers' office on South Broad Street demanding that they pay up. Amongst the three of them they owe about $300,000. Instead of hanging his head in shame, this angered one of the men inside enough for him to come all the way downstairs and yell at the Mayor for using his name. He demanded to know if he was the only person in the city owing back taxes. (For your information, he's not the only one, but you can find out who else made the list here. He could spend the next year doing press conferences and still not get through the list. This guy just happened to be a block away from city hall.)

The mayor replied: "I'm not going to argue with you on the sidewalk - you owe the city money, pay your taxes," The guy then asked why Nutter was getting "upset," and Nutter took it all in stride. "Oh, you've never seen me upset," Nutter said. "So I'm not upset. Just pay your taxes and everything will be fine." Love it! The best part--after the press conference wrapped up, sheriff's deputies went in to serve the three lawyers with notices that if they didn't pay up their property would be sold at auction on April 2.

It is in moments like these that Mayor Nutter goes from being a political figure to a father figure. He gets picked on for wearing nerdy sweaters. He cuts back when times are tough. And, most importantly, he goes after the bullies who aren't pulling their weight. This is a man who took over the job from the incredibly corrupt Mayor Street (brother of Milton on page one of the back taxes list) and if that wasn't bad enough, the economy went into a tail spin. I like my library as much as the next guy, but lets all cut the mayor a little slack.

If you ever want a little insight into exactly what the mayor is going through right now, read the book "A Prayer for the City" by Buzz Bissinger (who also wrote "Friday Night Lights"). In this book, Bissinger follows around then Mayor Rendell as he deals with unions, crime, economy and everything else that goes into running a city. I always figured running a city would be complicated, but until I read this book I really had no idea. With every criticism should come a bit of understanding. And this understanding and sympathy is a little easier to stomach when you see the mayor yelling at rich guys on your behalf.

Why I should have stayed a Lions Fan...

2009-03-10T09:26:00.000-07:00

I grew up in Michigan during the era of Barry Sanders. Being a Lions fan at that time was a lot like being an Eagles Fan for the past 5 years. They were good, but not good enough. The team went downhill and I eventually moved to Philadelphia. The Eagles hadn't won anything, but there was a definate feeling of hope and excitment that is slowly slipping through our figertips.

This became most evident while witnessing fan reaction to the Eagles just letting Brian Dawkins walk away. There was a flurry of text messages with my football loving friend. I even posted my frustration on Facebook the next day. Good thing I don't work for the Eagles or I'd be blogging for a living right now.

Dan Leone, a six year employee of the Eagles also posted his frustration on Facebook and his outburst got him terminated. Now, I probably wouldn't badmouth my employer on Facebook. I am one of a staff of four and I don't really have anything to say. Although it was bad form (and bad grammar), Dan was in the privacy of his own home. He was posting as a citizen of Philadelphia and an Eagles fan. He wasn't posting on the teams blog or website. I'm not going to get into the culture of over-share. I'll leave that post to Phillyist.com. I will only say shame on you, Philadelphia Eagles. You're hemorrhaging players, firing staff and frustrating fans. I've never been this annoyed in the off season. Keep this up and you won't have anyone left come fall.

How much farther are the Eagles going to fall? At least if I'd stayed a Lion's fan I would know rock bottom and there would be nowhere left to go but up.

Dinner and a ???

2009-03-05T13:53:00.000-08:00

PhilaCulturati is a website that started about a month ago. I have to admit that I didn't give it much of a second glance when it originally was launched. I recently gave it a second look. I must admit that it's a pretty cool idea. The site pairs cultural and arts events with dining establishments in the area. Sometimes there are deals or coupons. If going to a new neighborhood, it saves you from having to ask where to eat (if you hate talking to people as much as I do, this is a great feature). Even for those familiar with the neighborhood, it offers some nice ideas so you're not always eating at the same spot. Visually it leaves a bit to be desired, but don't let that deter you. It's really worth exploring.

The Devil and SEPTA, or February 20th, 2009

2009-02-20T13:59:00.000-08:00

A post by the lovely and wonderful Stephanie Dellavalentina--our newest contributor. Amazing.

So I’m waiting for the bus this morning- bundled up to my eyeholes and hunching against the 12 degrees of whipping awful- when I realize that I’m at the stop early. My breakfast at Vincenzo’s took no time at all and was peacefully cooling in my purse, leaving me ten minutes to spare before the bus. I thought about going home for a minute to warm up, oddly enough the 9th Street bus- which is rarely on time- is early and already down at about Snyder Ave. I take it as Omen: Good and wait. Sipping my tea I was blissfully ignorant that it was really Omen: Richard Donner. Thus began my morning with SEPTA and The Devil.

For your edification: the 9th Street bus is a boutique route. It comes occasionally, stops when it wants to, and really is only present to serve the little old Italian ladies who can’t make it up to 11th or down to 7th. There is a small handful of us who have figured out that the first run of the day gets you into Center City at 9am (give or take) and opt for rouletting it on 9th rather than subjecting ourselves to the horror that is 7th. I can step out my front door and be at the stop, and my office is half a block away on the back end. Despite the unreliability, I love this line.

This morning I noticed right away the large number of new faces occupying the prime real estate that is the elevated rear of the bus. I opt for second best and take up the bank directly opposite the rear doors, and with that decision get a front row seat to the bout.

As the bus rolls through the Italian Market. A passenger requests the next stop and waits at the back door, calling out to the driver. The bus genuflects, lets a woman out the front, takes on another passenger, and rises, preparing to pull away. The guy waiting at the back door calls for the back door again. It plays out something like this:

Guy: “BACK DOOR! YO MAN, CAN I GET THE BACK DOOR?!”

Driver: “Front door:”

Guy: “YO MAN- BAAACK DOOOOR!!! BACK DOOR!”

Driver: “FRONT DOOR.”

I wonder WTF this is all about and curse the early morning pissing contest. I then realize exactly what is going on. The bus is stopped in the Italian Market, meaning there is limited space to maneuver. Looking out the windows on the back door I realize that the back doors are directly next to a burn barrel and flames are licking up the side of the bus. I think I saw one squeeze in the opening between the accordion doors. I then appreciate that the dude in front of me could only be seeing the same thing that I was- if he walked out the back door he’d be walking into fire.

Devil: “MAN, I SAID BACK DOOR!!!”

Driver: “You can come on out the front.”

Devil: (looking longingly at flame): “Ok, ok… I’m not trying to fight today.”

Devil: (under breath) “You’re gonna get your due, though. Tell you that.”

Ok, so the longing look part is embellishment, but the rest is truth- hand to god. He muttered that last part in my direction, shook his head, and walked to the front.

So The Devil gets off the bus and we continue through the Market. Driver is still worked up, so when we get to Christian and there’s a truck blocking part of the street, Driver forgets his responsibility as a SEPTA bus driver. Instead of sticking his head out the window, yelling, and laying on the horn until the other driver is enraged or embarrassed into moving or hustling, Driver whips the bus down Christian.

And the Devil got his due. 7th- cars parked. Nowhere to turn. 5th- blocked off by PGW. 3rd- no dice. I think that’s where Moyamensing comes in and makes that weird triangle. So the 9th Street bus is now forced all the way down to the Delaware River. Front Street did not provide any more opportunity. It wasn’t until Lombard that we were able to right our course. By this time the riders were restless. If you don’t know Philly- I will educate you. The next to last place you want to be is on SEPTA with a bunch of angry mugs. The absolute last place you want to be is in the shoes of the guy causing the frustration.

By the time I got off the bus (oddly on time- because we didn’t have to stop and do all that, y’know, superfluous picking up and dropping off of passengers), Driver had lost much of his swagger. His crap face was gone; left behind was a thin film of sweat and fear. I shouldered my bag and debarked. The cold of the wind hurting my exposed grin, I shook my head and walked to the office.

Man, I always thought The Devil WAS SEPTA, but he’s droppin’ tokens just like the rest of us.Next up- Encounters With

Extraterrestrials In ACME. They’re out there. You know it…

and Scene...

2009-01-28T11:33:00.000-08:00

I am not much of a dancer. Really, I'm not at all a dancer. If forced, I can be dragged onto a dance floor and ridiculously attempt to move to the music, but truth be told, I would much rather park my ass on a bar stool than shake it on the dance floor. My lady, on the other hand, has recently remembered that she loves to dance. This started when we ended up at a queer dance party called Fuse for a friends birthday. I didn't hate it and she loved it. She is now on the quest for every possible Lesbian Dance Party she can find. Thus, when we were reading through our trusty South Philly Review last week and found a story about an upcoming party, she couldn't wait to try it. The party was held at Vesuvio, which is a bar located in the Italian Market/Bella Vista area. I'd been there before for a glass of wine with my parents, but I had never seen it like this. It was packed with queer folks from all walks of life. According to estimates, over 400 people came out. There were the Northeast Philly Dykes, the Cherry Hill Lesbians, the West Philly Queers and the list goes on and on. Ages ranged from 21 to 60. There were girls, boys and a few of us inbetween folks. At first it felt a little chaotic, but upon reflection I have to say that I just don't think they were prepared for this wave of party starved queer folk that rolled in that night. I know they had some music troubles and the bar was understaffed which left everyone there seeming a little on edge. I am sure it will thin out a bit as time goes on, and hopefully it won't be quite the crazy drunken booze fest it was since a lot of folks there were pretty angry drunks (I believe i got called a fat fuckin' homo by some girl who later tried to bum a smoke from me.) Still, I think the diversity was great and just goes to show how starved queer people are in this city for something to do. Although it was more of a jostle party than a dance party, I think I would definitely go back. The entertainment value of the people watching was definitely worth it. Also--props to the $2 PBR's.

Click here to see some photos from the event.

Upcoming exhibition

2008-12-19T12:27:00.000-08:00

Dear Friends, Please join me:

Eli J. VandenBerg: Prints and Drawings

Opening Reception: January 9, 2009, 6-8pm

The William Way GLBT Community Center

1315 Spruce Street, Philadelphia, PA

Work will be on view January 5 – February 27, 2009

On view will be prints and drawings from the last five years including work from the Passing Series, Body in Progress and brand new images of Philadelphia from the Place and Home series. Please email me for more information or send me your address if you'd like to receive a postcard for the show.

The curse of Billy Penn

2008-10-25T16:35:00.000-07:00

If you've ever watched a Philadelphia sports team blow a championship you've undoubtedly heard about it. In the late 70's and early 80's Philadelphia was a city of champions with the Eagles making a Superbowl appearance, the Flyers winning the Stanley Cup and the Phillies bringing home a World Series Title. Then, in 1987, a gentleman's agreement that had stood since the city's founding was broken and Liberty One and Two extended above the head of the city's founding father. For 20 years these beacons have stood as the tallest points in the city until now. This past year the Comcast Center topped the Liberty buildings and upon the top they placed the hopes that the city will once again win a title.

From the Phillie's Official Website:

Liberty Property Trust, the center's builder, made an effort to mollify the sports gods by affixing a 25-inch statue of William Penn to the structure's highest point. The Penn statue -- albeit a much smaller one than the official City Hall statue -- is once again enjoying the top perch in the city. It was all part of the plan, said Jeanne Leonard, a spokeswoman for Liberty Property Trust.
"To reinforce that the building would lift whatever curse there is, we decided that he would take his rightful place at the top of the city again," Leonard said.

I never thought I'd be giving any praise to Comcast, but this is fantastic.

Pheeling the Pheaver for the Phlaver of the Phillies

2008-10-24T08:28:00.000-07:00

To be a true phan, everything "F" must be replaced with a "PH." In the interest of public service I will now recommend places to watch the remainder of the world series.

Sidecar: 22nd and Christian

Good beer, good food but a little pricy for my tastes and not close to my house. When I was there they had the game on, but only a portion of the patrons were actually interested. No smoking (this isn't a value judgement, just a fact). Probably the best spot in the area, but not my favorite.

1601: 1601 south 10th street (at Tasker)

1601 opened a few years ago, probably as a part of the East Passyunk Crossing renaissance. It's a nice place with great beer--many deliciously on tap. Prices are reasonable and happy hour is a great deal. The food went downhill for a while, but the old chef is back and it's on the upswing. Highlights are 25 cent wings on Sunday--not only a great deal but the best wings I think I've ever had. It generally doesn't get too crowded, but if it does it can be a pain in the ass. It's not a very long bar and there is only one smallish TV. The seats are really uncomfortable. You can't smoke inside, which is good and bad, but you can see the TV from the door. All in all, decent if you want good beer and good food but can get a little annoying if you want a little dirt and a comfortable seat.

Rays Happy Birthday Bar: Passyunk and Federal (Near Geno's and Pats)

A depression-Era south philly tavern which got it's name from owner Ray Capozzoli always greeting patrons with "Happy Birthday" when the walked in the door. There's no food at the bar but plenty to eat in the neighborhood including not so good pizza at J&J's, expensive alright Mexican, and Racist cheese steaks at Gino's. All that within a 10 foot radius. If you want to extend to a 20 foot radius you can also hit Pats.

The bar itself is nice good. A sufficiently surly bartender who treats you right if you're not an asshole. The beer is decent--Philadelphia Brewing Company if you want to be a little fancy, PBR is $2.50 if you're on the cheep. You can smoke inside which is nice when you're drunk but you definitely leave smelling like an ashtray. The TV is big and loud and so are the patrons for the most part. The only complaint is the occasional crowd of hipsters that wonder in. Thankfully the Phillies Fans by far outnumbered them. All in all, a nice open room to watch the game with friends.

Bonnies Capistrano Bar: 13th and Dickenson

I'd have to say this was my favorite spot. $2-$3 draft pints of lager, highlife, bud light and miller light. Fancier beer in bottles if that's your preference. It was pretty empty but everyone there was friendly and excited. There's not generally food, but sometimes they make stuff. Even cooler--they have a whole stack of menus and allow you to just order your own meal from the wealth of take out options in the area. There's three TV's so you won't miss a play. You can smoke inside and in this instance we had the whole back room to ourselves. Excellent.

and finally...

My House: Tree Street

They ran out of beer, you have to make the food yourself, you can't smoke inside unless you're really drunk and don't want to get up and the Phillies lost. Although generally a lovely place for a gathering, in this instance it is not recommended.

never mind

2008-10-22T13:48:00.000-07:00

Our attempt at nature was a bust. Montgomery County Community College, which seven years ago was in the middle of a lovely patch of nowhere, is now surrounded by awful subdivisions. Linnvilla Orchards was a mad house--full of all the people i was trying to escape. The craft show was mainly a crapt show and none of the people I actually wanted to buy stuff from where there. Michael was very dissapointed as they were also severely lacking in pipe cleaner art. There were a few bright spots on the craft show front. Jungwhon Joo does amazing enameled jewelry and will be at a craft show later on in November in Chestnut Hill. She has no website, but i will try to post the information here. There were also some nice ceramics including one woman that draws beautiful chinese drawings on rice bowls and my favorite--the butter bell--but at that point we had had enough. The major upside to the day was that everything i ate on Sunday was served on a stick. Hurray.

Nature, Please.

2008-10-18T08:36:00.000-07:00

I've been getting really down about the city lately. Don't get me wrong, the energy here is great right now. The Phillies are in the World Series and people are spontaneously cheering in the streets. However, I can't shake this intense need for trees. I expect part of it is this amazing fall weather. I just want to bundle up and listen to wind rustle through trees, not a sickly looking stick struggling to grow through concrete.

If any of these feelings sound familiar I'd invite you to visit the Pennsylvania Guild of Craftsmen annual craft fair. Anna and I went two years ago and it was lovely. Don't go expecting uber hip art star stuff (though you may well find some of that too). This is old school. There's loads of ceramics, woodworking, jewelry as well as music, food and a truck with people that make their own soda-pop. When I went before I got the greatest pair of hand made slippers EVER.

So check it out. The fair runs today and tomorrow and is held at Montgomery County Community College. Click here for directions. I'll post some photos from our outing later. In the meantime I will post some pics from my trip to Vermont exactly one year ago today.

South 8th Street

2008-10-09T12:25:00.000-07:00

I've been working on taking these drawings and turning them into etchings. As the drawings have gotten bigger I've found that the etchings are great fun to shrink down as small as possible. This one is a drypoint with spitbite and some softground.

The Drake

2008-08-12T09:04:00.000-07:00

South Philly Cottage

2008-08-11T09:05:00.000-07:00

Camac Street

2008-08-10T09:02:00.000-07:00

A building in drawing form

2008-08-09T08:53:00.000-07:00

This is some corner in South Philly

a walk up Passyunk Ave.

2008-08-08T08:52:00.000-07:00

Back Windows, Rittenhouse Square

2008-08-07T08:47:00.000-07:00

Daily Philadelphia...

2008-08-06T08:16:00.000-07:00

Most of my drawings are done from photos that I take on my daily travels through the city. Philadelphia is a place were you need to keep reminding yourself to look up. So many amazing buildings have been converted into Dollar Stores and CVS pharmacies. In spite of corproate America's attempts to turn our cities into generic wastelands, Philadelphia has managed to maintain it's unique history and beauty. Since many of these photos won't make it into drawings any time soon I start putting the pics up themselves--one a day if possible. Enjoy!

New Drawing

2008-08-05T12:26:00.001-07:00

A few months ago, on one of the first nice days of the spring, i took a nice long walk from south philly up to work. I'm finally getting a chance to do some drawings from all the pictures i took that day. this first one is walking north on 17th street. when i lived on south Chadwick street and worked at Kitchen Kapers i would walk this way every day and even got a day by day check of the progress on this mural that's on the side of the building in the foreground. thus, this drawing has a special place of familiarity in my heart.

On a Friday Night...

2008-08-02T12:56:00.000-07:00

Went to the Jamaican Jerk Hut last night to hear our lovely friend Tedford play some Reggae (mon...). The music was lovely, the night was lovely, the garden was lovely and all in all I would suggest it as a wonderful way to spend a Friday night. However, I offer you this one caveat. Don't Order Dinner. Eating was the biggest cluster fuck I've experienced in a very long time. Nothing came out at the same time. I got different parts of my meal at varying times. They ran out of what Anna ordered, but didn't bother to tell her until they brought out nothing more than a side dish for her and asked if that was really all she wanted. In fact, from what I hear, they ran out of everything. Oh, and pitchers of juice (without any booze) are $25 each. Infact, everything other than a patty (kind of like a hand held pot pie) is really expensive. Dinner will invariably be about $30-$40 dollars a person after tip, tax and corking fee (don't even get Laura started).

So, my suggestion to you, should you choose to accept it: Go to the Jerk Hut, sit on the lawn, bring your own booze, get a patty or bowl of rice and enjoy the music. Anything else will make you insane.

Finally, here's a little drawing for you--a view I see as I walk to the Jerk Hut from work.

adding to the discussion

2008-07-09T08:38:00.000-07:00

here's an interesting article from alternet.org which adds to the discussion in my last post. very interesting...

That's Mis-Information to you...

2008-07-03T07:43:00.002-07:00

Any Philadelphia history buff is bound to cringe when standing outside a landmark, hearing that mettle bird on wheels creep up behind you, tourists quacking and then hearing the most egregious information blaring from the loud speaker behind you. In fact, Sean Kelly of Eastern State Penitentiary has been known to heckle the trolleys rolling down Fairmount Ave. Then, our dorky knight in shining armour, Mayor Nutter, came along and tried to save us all. According to Oregon Live (as in on the other side of the country) "Mayor Michael Nutter signed the law in April amid concerns that some guides were perpetuating gross inaccuracies, including false claims that Benjamin Franklin had 69 illegitimate children and that three-time widow Betsy Ross killed her husbands." From the Dallas Morning News (yup, we made the news in Texas too) "City officials say they are trying to protect the history that brings millions of tourists to Philadelphia and generates billions of dollars in revenue every year. They don't want anyone leaving town believing that Ben Franklin stands atop City Hall (it's William Penn) or that homes were once taxed based on how wide they were."

All this seems totally reasonable, but three tour guides have decided to sue the city saying, according to the Kansas City News (and we made the news in Kansas City) that the law infringes on their right to free speech. I don't know about the rest of you, but i speak at my job, and I'm expected to dispense with accurate information and i don't feel like my rights are being trampled. in fact, i feel this expectation that i not make up whatever i may think is true seems like a pretty basic job requirement. However, in the interest of Freedom on this 4th of July weekend (written around 1772, i think) i bring you everything you ever wanted to know about Philadelphia from the Uncycopedia!

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (archaic Greek for better than New York) is a large murder capital that was built on the ruins of another, much nicer city which was demolished by ancient Greek colonists in 1207. It is the home of the Philadelphia Iggles, the San Diego Padres and some other sports teams. And due to the horrible diction of its inhabitants, Philadelphia is the only place on Earth where you can enjoy a cheesesteak "wit" fried onions and wash it down with a nice, cold glass of "wooder".

(pictured: The majestic city of brotherly love, before and after the Greek liberation, circa 1209 )

Quaker Roots
Quakerism was founded by oat farmers in the fourteenth century as a callous marketing ploy.

A modern day Quaker in full ceremonial locks and anal beads
Throughout the Dark Ages, (1760-1772) a wave of religious pilgrims known as Quackers Quakers flew over from Europe seeking religious freedom. Although their American roots can be traced back to early Philadelphia, Quakers practiced throughout the United States in abandoned houses and Internet cafes. Quakeranity as it is now called, was founded on five basic principles:
5 Wives for every man
A healthy mullet
A steady diet of Oats and Barley
Freedom to practice religion in a horseless barn
Males allowed to wear Pantyhose and buckle shoes after 1st of May
Today, a more modern version of Quakeranity is practiced with updated garb and without all the animal sacrifices that were common in antiquity. Instead of hosiery, men now wear necklaces and bras. Instead of dresses, women wear burqas and bridles.

Philadelphia's Contributions to the World

Philadelphia's greatest contribution to the world is the Philly cheesesteak sandwich, which was invented by Benjamin Franklin in 1776 and tastes surprisingly transcendent. As the great Quaker influx of 1770 occurred, the hopes and dreams of better, tax-laden lives that the pilgrims carried with them were laced with Typhoid. This Typhoid ultimately caused an epidemic (Philadelphonia) that killed off much of the hamburger crop in late 1775 leading to widespread food shortage. On the brink of starvation and faced with the thought of only Quaker Oats to eat, a young Ben Franklin got an idea. Putting to bed for a while his stupid invention of electricity, he took the rotting remains of a diseased cow and sliced off a few thin slivers of beef from the steer's shaven underside using a simple edged dagger. Combining this with Cheese Whiz he purchased from the local ACME and wagon axle grease, he stuffed the concoction into a roll from the local breadmaker, Ferdinand Donovan Amoroso, thus creating the first "Cheesesteak". Much earlier debate regarding Franklin's greatest invention ever ultimately led to his beatification in 1982.

Benjamin Franklin was by far the greatest thing that has ever happened to Philadelphia. In fact, he is the only thing that has ever happened in Philadelphia. A true renaissance man, he is rightfully credited with every single thing ever created in Philadelphia. Adding to his impressive aforementioned list of achievements, Ben Franklin invented the typewriter, Delaware, condoms (his active sexual life made it difficult for him to retain all his magic sperm, which is rumored to have super powers), scrapple (traditional Philly meal made of scraps of meat), crapple (traditional Philly meal made of pieces of crap; the only food an average Philadelphia resident can afford), lightning (which he sold to Zeus in return for being able to fuck Aphrodite at any time he pleases) and a long list of other monumental shit. Franklin even invented crack cocaine, which he showed to Thomas Jefferson some time in early summer of 1776. After smoking rocks for a few weeks, Franklin and Jefferson had determined that the British suck monkey balls and need to get their bitch asses kicked. They decided to store the remainder of the stash in the bell of a local synagogue, which has since become a city landmark. In fact, Benjamin Franklin has done so much work for his believed city that since his times no one in Philadelphia has ever bothered to do any work whatsoever. As of today, the city's employment hovers at around 5%, an unusually high figure that has not been seen for decades. Philadelphia residents honor their great benefactor by snorting crack, which has since become the city's favorite pastime and has been chosen as Pennsylvania's State Bird.

Politics
The Philadelphia City Charter, adopted in 1957, sets forth the terms upon which the city's government is structured. The government is headed by a Mayor, and other branches of the city government include the city council, the Eagles court, the [Department of Licenses, Bribes, Permits and Graft], and the City Ombudsman. Prior to 1998, the City Charter specified that only members of the Democratic Party were eligible to hold office in city government; following a legal challenge to this rule, the charter was amended to also permit members of other parties to hold office, as long as the officeholder is dead.

Law enforcement
Main article: Philadelphia Police Department

Sports
The menacing "Herbert Mullet" glowering down upon the peaceful city.

Around some time before today, Philadelphia was a glorious sports town. For a span of 400 years (1900 to 1983), Philadelphia sports and recreation teams dominated all sports throughout the United States as well as the universe. The big four sports leagues, Football, Baseball, and the other two were controlled solely by Philly based organizations and clubs. Even the Women's 4x400 crocheting national ReallySuper Championship was won by the Philadelphia Phingers in their first year. Throughout the late 1970's and early 1980's, Philadelphia teams won consistently and made it boring for citizens to live life. The Mayor decided to invoke an ancient curse placed on the city by it's founder, William Penn. Known for his eccentric Mullet, Penn declared "...that no building shall contain a mullet taller than mine lest all sports dominance shall be relinquished forever."
In 1983, the last year in which one of the teams won a national championship, Mayor "Electric Jack" McMaster, possibly drunk on power and kitten huffing, erected the Comcrap Building and placed his own youthful likeness atop it. In a sick twist of genious, he proceeded to purchase all of the local sports teams through Comcrap Enterprises and exclusively televise the teams through their own television station. These fateful actions effectively sealed the fate of Philadelphia sports teams' fate FOREVER. Not only had the now superior Mullet cast a virtual and actual shadow on William Penn's glistening locks, but all of Philadelphia was doomed to view the disappointing sporting events on Comcrap until the end of time. Philadelphia is also the US capital of the sport of kiddy fiddling, due to short sighted child molesters looking for books on "Paedophelia" incorrectly identifying "Philadelphia" travel books as such.
Philadelphia has always stunk in sports with the exception of the National Hockey League's Flyers. They are a once-proud franchise which, due mainly to terrible player management decisions stretching back over a decade -- signing John Vanbiesbrouck instead of Curtis Joseph, for example -- by a over-concussed former Captain, has been reduced to somewhat of a laughingstock. ("A keeper, a keeper; my kingdom for a keeper!") Of course, even The Beezer would have been preferable to the tandem of Snow & Hextall . . .

The NFL's Eagles franchise was, for a time, the proud employer of perennial sportsmanship exemplar Terrell Owens. Owens brought many a smile to both teammates & fans alike, but has chosen to drag his Roadshow of Harmony to Texas where he plans on having a hot chick explain why he has 25,000,000 reasons to never attempt suicide.

The Philadelphia Phillies, the city's major league baseball team, achieved in 2007 the distinction of having lost 10,000 games in its franchise history. A radio station even commemorated the loses by dropping 10,000 marbles down the Rocky steps. The Phillies accomplished this through over a century of mediocrity, including losing games in which the team did not even play. Notable losses include nearly every important game in the 1964 season, the 1983 World Series, the 1993 World Series and the 2007 Preakness.

In addition to crappy sports teams, Philadelphia has absolute lunatics for sports fans. Rather than admit the obvious fact that the Philly sports owners care far more about exploiting the fan loyalty and stuffing their own pockets than actually winning anything, the fans stick with the teams for fear of losing their friends, but still have subconscious knowledge of the above. As a result they beat up fans of other teams in the manner of closeted and tortured homosexuals beating up flamers to look more heterosexual. Philadelphia sports fans are not always obnoxious. For example, in 1968 they made a heroic statement against the increasing commercialization and consumerism of Christmas by throwing snowballs at a man dressed up as Santa Claus.

Prominent Citizens
Rocky - Ralph "Rocky" Balboa (born 1944) is an American boxer who intermittently held the heavyweight boxing title over a ten-year period beginning in 1976. He was immortalized through a series of film documentaries, which chronicled his inside- and outside-the-ring trials. Balboa is famous for his bulldog tenacity, fighting with lots of heart, and sweaty training montages overdubbed with Christopher Cross hits.

Kevin Bacon - Philadelphia is the birthplace of Kevin Bacon, who was in Animal House with John Belushi, who overdosed in the fetal position at the Chateau Marmont Hotel, modeled after the Chateau Amboise in France, which was the home of Mary, Queen of Scotch, a whisky made from water and barley, which were both created by God. Hence, Philadelphia is God’s favourite city.

M. Night Shazamalone is the writer, director and producer of the most brilliant and blatant rip-offs of Alfred Hitchcock ever set to film. These include The Sixth Cent (the movie about that boy who sees dead Presidents on his pocket change and has a big twist at the end), Unwatchable (the movie featuring Bruce Willis as an emotionless android whose circuitry will malfunction if he gets wet, Samuel L. Jackson as an angry black man and a big twist at the end) and Sighs (in which Mel Gibson doesn't torture Jesus, Joaquin Phoenix isn't his more-talented-while-dead-brother River and a big twist surfaces at the end). M. Night Shyamalan was raised in the suburbs of Philadelphia and films all of his movies in the surrounding area. The big twist? We're not going to end with a joke.

Terrell Owens a giant crybaby that does not deserve to play for the NFL...hanceforth he is currently playing for the feminine Dallas Cowgirls.
The Mayor of Philadelphia is John Street. He is not a street as his name would imply, but a person. However, an actual street would probably do a better job running the city than this excuse for a mayor.

Tony Hawk can often be seen in downtown Philadelphia, in that one park with all the statues in it. He boardslides around on telephone lines and does manuals through the subway station instead of walking like a normal person. You can trip him, but you're gonna get hurt.

Aquaman is the most metrosexual member of the Justice League of America. A native of the posh Grays Ferry section of town, he ritually disbands himself once a year, on Groundhog Day.

Mike Rawch is the assistant work manager at Big Crauch's Homeware Depot.
That one homeless guy that bums you for change. Trust me, he's pretty prominent. And there's more than one of him. Much, much more. Usually African-American, though the Caucasian ones are usually even freakier-looking. Missing all or more teeth. Never satisfied with the money you give him.

Neighborhoods
Philadelphia is a city of neighborhoods. This may account for the racial violence that is exhibited from time to time.

Center City

Center City is home to many thriving shops.
If you want a smaller version of one of New York's many shopping districts than look no further! Clothing store after clothing store, you'll never have a problem finding clothes! This section of the city was once very rundown, however real estate is now booming and everyone wants condos! You know Liberty Tower, those two huge blue buildings synonymous with Philadelphia's skyline? They are built on the remains of a porn theatre. Liberty Tower is great for anyone who wants to buy clothes, or eat in a food court. Center City is now stigmatized as being a "rich neighborhood" because its been cleaned up a lot since the 1980s and everyone wants REAL ESTATE! The Rittenhouse Square area, for example, is extremely expensive. Fifteen years ago, Rittenhouse Square was a place you'd go if you had a fetish for being beaten up and mugged, or if you made a living panhandling while pretending to be disabled. Now, you go to Rittenhouse Square if you want to eat in an overpriced outdoor restaurant and sneer at people walking on your sidewalk. Damn pedestrians. The area is also popular for weird 20 year olds who stand around trying to get people to vote or join their commune. They'll ask your age and when you say that you aren't 18 they'll call bullshit and ask for the year you were born. Unless you're a math whiz, or actually are under 18, you won't be able to answer immediately because you'll be trying to calculate a year which works. When travelling around Center City it is best to have a year already planned in the back of your head.
Center City is a great place to visit if you like rich snobs, clothing stores, and large buildings. (NB - If you plan to stay longer than 20 minutes be sure sure to carry excessive amounts of cash with you because you will invariably be taxed or fined for something)

South Philadelphia

Have you ever watched The Sopranos and thought to yourself, "Wow it would be so awesome to be in the Mafia!" Well then head down to South Philly. Every single Italian stereotype is pulled from there, or Brooklyn, the Bronx, or North Jersey. Now you can be around authentic REAL Italians with tough accents! Imagine that! Yous all could be actin tuff in da neighborhood wit da fam'ly! Get some pizza and cheesesteaks to top it off! Get some "wooder" to wash it down! Your suburban WASP friends will never believe you. Home to a massive open-air market where you can buy, among other things, live goats.

Topics not suggested for discussion:
Italian ethnic slurs
(Your Favorite Team) is better than the Eagles.
Unions aren't all that great.

Have you ever watched any movies or music videos about gangstas and thought to yourself, "Wow it would be so awesome to be in a gang surrounded by daily violence!" Well then head down to South Philly west of Broad Street. You'll find too much of it. Point Breeze makes North Philly look like a nice suburban neighborhood in comparison.

Art Museum Area
This area includes the Art Museum. Look around for a bit, it looks a lot like a certain French city. The Parkway which leads all the way up to the Art Museum, is shamelessly ripped off of Paris' Champs-Élysées. Around the area are many other museums as well. Why is the area famous? For starters, Rocky immortalized it by running up the steps of the Art Museum. Also Live 8 was held there. Behind the Art Museum is the Schuylkill River, where people row and ride their bikes. Of course riding your bikes on the bike path next to the river is only recommended if you enjoy other cyclists who don't understand the concept of "family bike path" and how it differs from a "race." Also you may need to have a high tolerance for people who simply don't understand that the term "bike path" actually implies bikes are permitted to be ridden. If you plan to drive to Plymouth Meeting along a Skuylkill River highway, make sure it's not at quitting time on a Friday. Especially if your dad is driving you to a date that was just moved to the Plymouth Meeting Mall at the last second, but that was full so they moved it to the "great" northeast.

North Philadelphia
What's there to say about North Philadelphia? It successfully became synonymous with black people and it's now the area you don't want to park you car in or drive through at night all. Since Philadelphia police laugh hysterically when people get mugged, Temple University must maintain its own air force and army to protect its students from the hostile gang members. That's the city of Brotherly Love for you.

The typical North Philadelphia house has distinctive wooden boards over the windows, holes in the roof to let in the breeze in place of air conditioning (and guess what? There's no carbon footprint!), and has not been inhabited since the time when Sylvester Stalone was actually considered cool. And that's just North Philadelphia west of Broad St. You should see the scary neighborhood east of Broad St.

Kensington
Okay, I've lied. North Philadelphia is not only synonymous with black people. It is also synonymous with Irish people. Kensington Avenue (especially where it meets Alleghany Avenue) is a great place to pick up hookers. Or get shot. Watch out for the angry drunk Irishmen and Puerto Ricans there. Aren't we a great city? Stereotypes, sex and violence. In defense of North Philadelphia, those Center City minivan moms can get pretty violent as well. Along with those Mercedes driving rich guys who nearly hit me that one time because they don't understand the concept of a traffic light.

Fishtown
Originally named for the distinct rotten fish smell that permeates the area, Fishtown is now the "Up and Coming" neighborhood of Philadelphia. It's called that because when you get there, you're "coming up" on Kensington, and it's about time to turn around before you get shot. Fishtown strives to be Northern Liberties, a bustling neighborhood full of artists, bars, and empty blocks. In that respect, it's doing pretty well, except it doesn't have any artists. Until then, Fishtownies can continue to tell everyone how much it's "up and coming", because nobody will know they're lying, since nobody has any good reason to go to Fishtown anyway.

Port Richmond
The Little Poland of Philly.

Strawberry Mansion
The most misnamed place in all of creation. There is neither mansions nor strawberries here. This rough North Philly neighborhood only contains tears and fears.

City Hall and the Gallery
City Hall and the surrounding areas are a commonplace for everyone. Subways, people, everyone bustling around, it's one of those places where a lot of people end up. A lot of stores are around along with some hotels. The stores are generally Dunkin Donuts, department stores, jewelry stores, or stores which sell brands of clothing such as Rocawear and Sean Jean. Stolen, or fake jewelry is abundant on the street along with real jewelry in the stores. This area is also home to The Gallery, a big urban mall where it's common to hangout. Only instead of it being a hangout for suburban private school students, it's where public school students from all over come to gather. The Gallery, like most malls, drains you of your serotonin level when entered, but it is quickly regained when you realize you won't be around a bunch of annoying white, gothic, suburban, teenage mallrats. It also helps that there's a GameStop. This is also where Love Park is, you know the place where people skateboard. Or used to. The sport was killed by the government and the year 2000.

Many decry the fact that it was the MOVE cult headquarters that was bombed from the air and not the gallery. Current proposals to seal the Gallery an hour after school lets out and flood the entire building with nerve gas are being considered...but the city's already blown its budget for mass murder of its own citizens, so it's a distant shot.

Chinatown
The place where millions of Asians don't get the fuck out of your way.
Right nearby the Gallery and its surroundings is Chinatown. Philadelphia's Chinatown makes Denver's Chinatown look like St. Paul's Chinatown!! What makes Chinatown that good? Two words: Wing Wang's Peking Duck House (9th and Winter, right near the Vine St Expressway). Well that's five words but most people only refer to it as Sang Kee so you can keep your comments to yourself. Also it's just a cool place to get imported Asian things, Like syphilis. Or opium. Yay opium! Now with a booth in the Reading Terminal Market.
Chinatown is an excellent place to poison yourself because your drunk, incapable of making informed decisions regarding what you're eating and Chinatown has the only places open.

University City
Contrary to popular belief, University City does not actually exist. The area known as University City is just a small area of West Philly under the marketing spell of big-money educants. The main campuses of University of Pennsylvania and Drexel University are located here. There are a bunch of things you might expect to find at a college campus such as food courts, tennis courts, bookstores, and movie theatres. There is also a place where you can buy cereal, only cereal. Now that's clever and alternative enough to attract preppy college kids - oh and lets not forget the stoners who have the munchies and thick wallets!

West Philadelphia
Unique for having been bombed from the air by the city government in 1985 (this is actually true), West Philadelphia is famous for being the home of the University of Pennsylvania and the birthplace of Will Smith and Wilt Chamberlain. The local diet consists of halal, cheesesteaks, and babies. Visiting is not recommended due to a very high probability of getting shot, raped and murdered.

The Great Northeast
One can only assume that this "neighborhood" was named out of sarcasm. If you go out far enough, this looks like some run down blue collar suburb. But it isn't a blue collar suburb, it's the Northeast. It's a fun place to drive to if you feel like a nice one hour drive to somewhere not even outside of your own city. Otherwise known as the "N'East" by residents or ex-residents. The neighborhood is also known as "N'Easty", a word denoting a propensity for comfort with strip malls, bleak futures, row-homes, and winding, unnavigable roads.

Northeast Philadelphia frequently discusses breaking away from Philadelphia proper, making it the Quebec of Southeastern Pennsylvania.

The Northeast's primary product is boredom and a crippling inferiority complex regarding its relation to the rest of the city, i.e the parts someone gives a shit about.
The Northeast is also home to many, many upstanding policemen who were chosen to be among Philly's finest for their aptitude at being white guys from the Northeast.

Mt. Airy
Mount Airy is famous for being the third most Jewish place on Earth, and created quite a stir a few years back when it actually seceded from the union to join Israel. Famous for having fairly large, nice houses with two kitchen sinks, one for meat, one for dairy products. Home to a few nomadic tribes of black people. Also home to a trolley car diner, which is quite nice if you happen to be a connoisseur of deep-fried rat.

Germantown
Psssst--There are no Germans here! Yes, they were forced out when North Philadelphia invaded circa 1967. This neighborhood is one of the nicer residential options for black people, as it has a nice big park where people still occasionally come across skeletons and unexploded ordinance left over from the American Revolution. It is also home to those Jews who for whatever reason do not live in neighboring Mount Airy. Home to more Nation of Islam Mosques than Las Vegas is home to Casinos.

Chestnut Hill
The WASP capital this side of Nantucket. Chestnut Hill is home to several crazy old street people, many more wealthy alcoholics, gourmet dog food stores, bead shops, used record places, tiny family-owned grocery stores, coffee shops, and 97 places to cash a check. The rowhouses are all several centuries old, and the other houses are all the size of a small village.

Old City
Also spelled Olde City by pretentious mispellers, this is the area of Philadelphia where everything historical seems to have occured. Independence Hall and the Liberty Bell are located here. There are plenty of small shops, museums and historical sites to visit and a fun day can be had by all, old and young, in this area. Of course that was before the day would be spent waiting in more lines than Disneyland due to newfound security measures in place. Now it's just boring. There are horses though, with carriages. This is amazingly awesome the first time you see it. Then it's just another site, with the added bonus that it produces feces capable of being stepped in. The most famous resident is the legendary guy-who-dresses-up-as-Benjamin Franklin.

Society Hill
This is a fairly upper middle class neighborhood near Old City and The Gallery area. Its unnatural darkness at night, illuminated only by yellow street lamps is enough to give someone the creeps and haunt their dreams. Brick is the building material and mugging weapon of choice in this area. At the southern end of this district they have erected a gate ostensibly to keep out the residents of the rest of the city. The Inscription above the gate reads "Here thar be yuppies" in olde yuppish (latin).

South Street
What can be said about South Street? It's a place you can walk around and buy stuff. This is one of the only places in the city where you run a pretty low risk of getting shot and bumrushed, since the city's abundant deranged violent crackheads are scared off by local Starbucks, yoga shops, rastas, and all that other sissy stuff. Besides, the emo alternative goths or whatever the fuck are real wusses, despite their "badass" tattoos and collars and the rest of Hot Topic products. This relative safety ("relative" is as good as it gets anywhere in Philly) has resulted in making the place one of the city's most popular tourist destinations. Now your choices on items include tattoos, CDs, sex toys, wiccan paraphernilia, skateboards, alternative clothing, and yogic knick-knacks. At night you can get drunk at the bars, and meet beautiful women. It's Philadelphia's mainstream fauxhemian area. There is also frequent flashers, mooners, and sunners. South Street also has the city's highest concentration of cops, since here they are almost safe from being shot at, slept on, bitten and/or begged for change.

2nd Street
Also known as Two Street. If you call it 2nd street, you're a terrorist. Quite popular with out-of-towners for its convenient existence as I-95.

Unconventional traffic laws
Traffic "laws" in Philadelphia are the barest of guidelines. The drivers are so free spirited that every traffic light comes with printed instructions (Wait for Green). Pedestrians are fair game (but only in crosswalks anywhere on the road).

Drivers will either a) steadfastly refuse to turn right on a red signal (if you are behind them) or b) ignore the signal altogether and cruise right on through (if doing so would put them in your path). They might honk while doing this, so as you are crushed beneath the wheels of a 1992 Honda Accord with a smashed headlight and no muffler don't say you weren't warned.
The solid white lines that delimit the shoulder in most jurisdictions have a different meaning in the Philadelphia area. Here, they indicate convenient (possibly even paved) extensions of turning lanes (kids: check your mirrors before entering the real turning lane!), an extra passing lane to get around those pesky conformists during rush hour (3am to midnight), or the "thrill zone" where you can play "chicken" with merging traffic.

Road lines are only a reminder of the direction the road is going. Drivers are encouraged to drift across the road heedlessly in order to cut time from their trips.

Stop signs are optional. Rolling through stop signs at speeds of up to 20mph is called the South Philly Slide or Philly Roll.

Left turn lanes can be used as passing lanes when a light first turns green.

When traffic is backed up due to an accident, it is suggested that drivers use sidewalks as they see fit.

Roosevelt Boulevard, or "da bull'vard," is an every-man-for-himself free-for-all. You are encouraged to drive as fast as the laws of physics will allow and never stay in the same lane for more than 3.8 seconds. If you fail to drive in all six lanes in the direction you are going you are sent to driving hell, also commonly called Boston. Also, just because there are concrete islands dividing the six lanes in each direction does not mean you can't drive on them. If the boulevard is backed up and you find yourself in the middle lanes, you are encouraged to drive across the island to get to the outer lanes and attempt to circumvent said traffic jam, only to find yourself back on the boulevard a block further.

It's called Kelly Drive. Get over it.

Transportation

SEPTA
SEPTA (from Greek sēptikos, ‘rotten’; capitals officially endorsed for emphasis) is the public transportation system of Philadelphia. Their slogan has been 'Just Getting There' for 40+ years and there are no foreseeable plans to change it, as they are still just getting there. To where, well, not even they know. SEPTA also doubles as the city's sewer system.

SEPTA controls the city's homeless population, buses, trolleys, major business conglomerates, Man Man, subways, scrapple production, and some trains. SEPTA services usually travel at a decent walking pace. They have built their successful business on raising fares (fares have been known to increase during a trip, requiring an additional payment before they'll let you off unless they don't feel in the mood and just let you go without a word) and not stopping to pick up those pesky passengers. SEPTA passengers are commonly referred to as "mass murderers". SEPTA doesn't really exist other than in an alternate dimension as depicted in David Lynch's Dumbland. Often the punchline of the joke, "What's red, white, and blue and smells like black people?"
Most historians agree that SEPTA was created by Joseph Stalin in order to cripple America's industrial capacity.

Amtrak
Amtrak operates the Northeast Corridor, one of the busiest passenger rail services in the United States. It is by far the fastest and most efficient transportation service availible, but because of its insanely high prices, it is only used by rich people, tourists, and complete idiots. The concessions are so expensive, Amtrak stopped accepting dollars and now only excepts payments in lumps of gold. It costs one lump of gold to get bottled water, two and a half lumps of gold to get a hot dog, and six lumps of gold to get a sandwich which wasn't stepped on by a commuter. That's just the prices at 30th Street Station, and the prices on the trains are nearly triple! Amtrak releases the aroma of baked goods such as brownies and muffins into trains until passengers have no choice but to submit to the high prices. Thankfully, the train fares aren't anywhere as expensive as the food. Amtrak has recently unveiled its Price by Speed Plan, in which it charges 10$ for people to board its trains, then forces passengers to each pay another 10$ to go 5 miles per hour faster.

Soon, Amtrak will be unveiling its Price by Weight Plan, in which it will charge people extra money for being overweight. Amtrak will also include exercise bikes on its trains, which will help people lose weight and generate power for the train at the same time. The plan has attracted the attention of major airlines, which say they might implement the plan if it is successful.

Taxis
Taxis in Philadelphia are never there when you need one, but otherwise all around.. kind of like New York. Unlike New York, no prerecorded voice talks to you when you enter the cab, there is a 50% chance the driver won't have a prominently displayed cab driver certificate, there are no seat belts, and the meters are almost always rigged. Also, unlike New York, the taxis aren't prominent and yellow but come in all sorts of color schemes, each one resembling a police car more than actual Philly police cars do. This is done in order to create a stronger visual police presence in the city that could seriously use some more law enforcement.
Recently, credit cards were introduced as a method of payment in all medallion cabs. However, none of the credit card machines work. Experts believe this is the sole cause for Philadelphia's rapidly climbing murder rate.

An interesting phenomenon has developed where a taxi-passenger can have a developed conversation with a taxi-driver, for an extended period of time, but after asking the driver "can I use my credit card" the driver will astonishingly forget all but the mother tongue. Possibly related to taxi-drivers pronounced fear of paying taxes.

Timewarp
Old City is a section of Philadelphia that emulates the old days of the nation's birth canal, in labor (see Neighborhoods, above). By entering Old City, you are actually entering a timewarp. By travelling through time you can transend space by perambulating yourself into the future at another point. So if it's May 24th, 2006 and you enter Old City you go back to May 24th, 1770. Because of this you have 236 years to get wherever you are going, until you catch up with the future and time works normally again. However, this is still faster than taking SEPTA to the desired destination. Unfortuantly the only way out of Old City that doesn't send you back to current time/space is with horsedrawn carriages. The driver, as you travel through time on an intergalactic historical timeway, will describe everything of historical signifigance which can take almost 90% of the time available. Lunches should be packed.

Fun Facts

Post-Katrina New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin was quoted as saying, "Let me tell you something: Ya'll outa go to Philly, and you will appreciate how clean New Orleans is. Just go and walk around Philly a little bit, and you will appreciate - am I lying? You will appreciate New Orleans. We still have some work to do, but we definitely beat them by a long shot." Sadly, this is a true story.
Philadelphia-based pop duo Darryl Hall and John Oates consummated their relationship in a Temple University service elevator. This homosexually charged act inspired their hit single, Maneater.

For some reason, people live in Philadelphia. This is in spite of the fact that the air is not breathable by any living organisms, and the Starship Enterprise (D) lost the last four away teams that they sent there.

Philadelphia, unlike other Northeastern cities, has its own very odd climate, with two seasons: dead of winter and fucking hot. Winters are known to dump over 20 feet of snow on the city, which is especially liked by the penguins, but during summer, temperatures rise into the lower 500's. The penguins aren't happy about the fact that it isn't "dry heat" either.

Philadelphia was known world-wide as "The City of Brotherly Smells" until Chairman John Street changed the city's slogan to "The City That Shoves You Back, and then Ruins the City", most likely to distract the populace from any one of a number of pay-to-play scandals. The natural odor of Philadelphia is like that of partially-digested pizza, flavored with urine, multiplied through all possible dimensional overtones until it becomes, in effect, a universe of its own. The smell of the public transit system (appropriately called SEPTIC) is strong enough to melt time.

Bostonians are generally much less educated than Philadelphians. As well as sentence fragments.
Philadelphians are fuelled solely by various forms of grease siphoned from the excretions of cheesesteaks, scrapple, Tastykakes, Crown Fried Chicken, and the back alleys of Chinatown. Estimated daily usage is 15,000,000 tons of grease.

Philadelphia gave up its title of 'Fattest City' for the title of 'City With Highest Murder Rate.'

The Schuylkill Expressway is known as the world's largest parking lot.

Most Philadelphians refer to the subway as the el.

It is believed that when Sun Ra died, his spirit was divided and scattered about the streets during the night, allowing for the city's homeless population to feed upon the pieces and become the race of psychotics most of them are today.

People to move in with if things don't go well in Philadelphia
Your Auntie and Uncle in Bel Air
The Denver Nuggets
The Detroit Pistons
The Dallas Cowboys
The St. Louis Cardinals and then the Toronto Blue Jays
The Phoenix Suns
The New York Mets
The Jacksonville Jaguars

Metropolitan area

Camden, New Jersey
As abyssmally shitty as North and West Philly may be, Camden, which is directly across the Delaware from Philly, out-sucks Philadelphia by being essentially an entire city consisting of nothing but The Hood. Venturing outside the Camden Green Zone is NOT recommended. Camden's government, which is comparable to that of Venezuela or Nigeria, consists entirely of suspected crime bosses and drug cartels. They get reelected by bribing police to arrest anyone who opposes them, and teaching propaganda in schools. The average life expectancy in Camden is on par with Darfur, Haiti, and the nastier parts of Alabama.
It's rumored that Camden was built so Philadelphia had some place to look down on however this cannot be verified due to the fact that Camdens City Fathers are actually deadbeat dads and cannot be located.

Wilmington, Delaware
If you thought Delawarte had nothing but a bunch of rednecks and hillbillies, you're totally wrong! Delaware also has black people, and many of them live in Wilmington. Wilmington can be accessed by SEPTA regional rail, but since the service is so darn slow, passengers from Philadelphia usually die of boredom from sitting in the train long before they reach Wilmington.

The Main Line

The buildings are less run-down in suburban areas.This is where the city meets the suburbs. When you cross over to suburbia, be prepared for a total drop in serotonin levels. This is the realm of the American middle class zombie. Why would people live in such depressing conditions? The theory is that they've lived there so long that they cannot escape it's sugarcoated grasp. However it is doubtful that they enjoy it any more than outsiders due to the large amount of drug consumption. Watch out for:
Lacrosse moms
Bumper stickers proclaiming My Episcopal and or Jewish honor student has a higher SAT score than your Episcopal and or Jewish honor student
Parents with pseudo-liberal views who love minorities but would never send their kid to a school with one
Limos
Businesses that claim to be "a target" but clearly have no affiliation with the superstore
Three movie theaters that nobody goes to
A giant white cross, possibly representative of the skin color of the locals
Use of "rich kid" drugs such as cocaine and American Express Black Cards.
Parental denial of drug and alcohol usage and unnatural fear of urban environment due to rumored marijuana usage and minorities
French Nannies
Lawns
Severe depression
People who go to Haverford and Bryn Mawr.

Lancaster
Thar be Amish here! The highways have low speed limits and designated lanes for horse-and-buggies. If you wish to travel through this county, a solid grasp of German is highly recommended. (If you manage to communicate successfully with the Amish, you can expect unspeakably good pretzels and PA Dutch poontang :D

Delco and Chester city
A mostly blue collar county just southwest of the city, Delaware County is slightly depressing. From the working class, middle class, and blue collar towns like Upper Darby, Springfield, and Ridley, to the straight-up 'hood city of Chester (which is probably worse than North Philly as far as murder per population) to the somewhere in-between town of Darby, Delaware County isn't exactly one of the most prestigious "suburbs." People in Delco are the ones who built the houses in the MontCo and Chester County and the rest of the Main Line. However, Delco has its perks. It's a brotherly sort of place, and there's a 43:1 ratio when it comes to bars to librarys. Future site of the Philadelphia soccer team.

I take no responsibility for the content listed above. I like to think i'm excersizing my right to free speech on the blogosphere. if you are offended by or think any of the above is not funny (i already did a little editing) go fix it.

All in all, our tour guide's law suit was covered in newspapers all across the country. On the bright side, at least we're in the news for something other than our murder rate.

In next weeks installment, look for insider information on the engagement of Ben Franklin to Betsy Ross.

You Released It

2008-06-26T17:42:00.000-07:00

Please tell me you have thought about what happens to the things you crap out of your intestines or release out of your bladder? This is no shy subject. People shit. You should be letting go of that stuff at least once a day, at least. Of course urination should happen a bit more frequently than that right? Yes. Give a good count every time you flush. What the hell, take note of what you flush too and how many gallons of potable water you just fouled? Look at that toilet of yours, what a pal! It deals with all this stuff. Really though, your toilet is like a messenger. It takes your “message” and delivers it to your home or apartment’s lateral line. This lateral line leads to the public sewer pipe. Sewer pipes can run on average from 12inches to 72inches in diameter. As more and more of these sewer lines meet up they can reach a size that would allow an elephant to walk through or better yet two lanes of traffic of small to average size cars.

Where are these pipes all heading with you and yours flushes? They’re heading down hill to take advantage of gravity to the Sewer Treatment Plant. This fine city of ours has 3 Water Pollution Control Plants. All of your stuff ends up at one of these 3 plants. Now, if you’re thinking “Wow I can’t believe my log made it to South Philly!” You are only partly correct. Really that log blew to bits long ago probably not far from you house. 90% of the sewage in the pipes is water. That is because these pipes collect all the waste from your toilet, sinks, showers, dishwashers, washing machine, and in some areas the neighborhoods stormwater too. That is a lot of water. Plus, the medium of your urine is water too. Water is in your stool even.

Okay, now I have got you thinking about what you just did and where it just went. The plants that it is sent to are manned plants, meaning someone deals with the operating and maintenance of the poo factory. Three to ten hours later, your dispersed corn-laden excretion arrives with that of your neighbors. Here it is going to be treated.

Next Installment: how your crap is treated, and Eli’s favorite—treasures one finds at the poo plant.

Philadelph-eli on Vacation!

2008-06-26T08:06:00.000-07:00

Saddly, I didn't actually get to go anywhere, but my drawings did. I'm not sure how many of you have ever heard of the lovely town of Saugatuck. It sits on the western coast of Lake Michigan on Kalamazoo Lake. During the winter it's a sleepy little art town. Everyone knows everyone else and they eat at places like the Calico Kitchen where there really are frilly waitress uniforms and checked tableclothes and it's not meant to be ironic. During the summer, however, it blows up. People come up from Chicago and park their boats in the harbor. It also hosts a "Family Week for queer folks and their family making it sort of the Provincetown of the Mid-West.

My parents belong to an art collective their where they sell their jewelry and woodturned bowls. In an effort to maybe make a little money off this art degree I turned my sights to some Saugatuck landmarks and sent the drawings to the collective. If you're in the area check them out!

A brief note about Philly Politics, however late it may be...

2008-06-25T09:13:00.000-07:00

I wouldn't as a general rule publish the same post on both this blog and my other blog body in progress but seeing as this applied to both gender and PA politics it seemed appropriate. Sorry if it also seems like over kill.

From "The Onion"

Grandmother Proud To Have Lived Long Enough To See First Viable Female Candidate Torn

PEORIA, IL—Seventy-six-year-old grandmother Anita Graney told reporters Monday that she was "overwhelmed with pride" for having lived to see the first viable female presidential candidate in the nation's history so successfully run into the ground by vicious media attacks and hubristic, arrogant miscalculations. "Hillary [Clinton] showed America that a woman can be politically destroyed just as completely and heartbreakingly as any man," said Graney, a lifelong feminist. "What an amazing example for today's young women who aspire to fail spectacularly at the highest levels." Graney expressed hope that one of her granddaughters might someday be the first woman to get utterly eviscerated in a nationwide general election.

The Primaries are finally over. They have been over in Pennsylvania for some months. Certainly, most are thrilled that it’s over, but I can’t help but feel disappointed at the outcome. This has nothing to do with the potential abilities of Senator Obama. In fact, during the Pennsylvania Primary I’ll be the first to admit that I found his advertisements a bit intoxicating. I found his speeches inspiring when often times I found Clinton’s speeches would somehow make me cringe. Cringe because she sounds annoying, cringe because she sounds petty, cringe because I know she didn’t really mean it that way. She’s like a really old, dear friend that you try to introduce to your new “cool” group of friends and you keep feeling the need to apologize for her.

Still, in spite of all this cringing I still believe that she is the better candidate. I’ve long believed that the best presidents are also probably the worst campaigners. By this same token, some of the best campaigners make really awful presidents. George W. is a prime example of this. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am completely confident that Obama will perform better than W., but I’m also confident that most anyone could perform better than W.

I’ve discussed this campaign a lot with my mom, a strong, smart second wave feminist, and found that we both share this somewhat surprising intense feeling of sadness. What I fail to understand is how she got pegged as “the Washington machine” and he became this voice of inspiration. I remember listening to the Slate Political Gabfest and hearing them talk about the Super Delegates. This was just before the PA primaries and everyone was talking about how maybe, just maybe, if Hillary won by a big enough margin then maybe, just maybe the Super Delegates would decide she was the better candidate and give her the push she needed to get the nomination. As this conversation wore on Emily Bazelon (who always sounded to me like she really liked Hillary, but was embarrassed to say so) said that she just thought it would be a very bad political move for these Super Delegates to essentially take the nomination away from “the first viable African American candidate” and give it to Clinton.

Maybe I was sleeping for a few years, but when have we ever had a viable female candidate? When did the first woman president become less important than the first black male president? Clinton may have been involved in politics for a very long time, but I happen to think that can be a good thing. She spent her entire campaign on the defensive and the press counted her a looser before she even had a chance to play. All her supporters seemed to melt away as she no longer looked like the “cool” candidate, with only Tom Brokaw coming to her defense. Even just the fact that she is referred to by her first name and Obama by his last seems to imply some subtle underlying sexism.

Hillary Clinton came to Pennsylvania. She sent her daughter to Woody’s (a local gay bar) while Obama called the most famous lesbian he knew (Melissa Etheridge) and had her call in. Clinton may not always connect with the people, but at least she tried to do it in person. Obama settles for flashy TV adds and had Shepard Fairy make inspiring posters, allowing the "cool kids" to make his case with him. I know I sound angry, and I am. I don’t mean to digress. I get it. She lost. Obama won. I know I’ll vote for him come November considering the alternative, but I just can’t wrap my heart around being an Obama supporter just yet. As a final thought I just want you to ask yourself why being against Barak Obama or even simply for Hillary Clinton made you a secret racist or working class stoop while everyone could freely rail on Hillary Clinton’s every move and no one was accused of being a raging sexist. From The Chicago Tribune’s June 25 article Devil in a pantsuit or the demonization of Hillary Clinton

When the doctor checks to see if the patient is still breathing, it's disgust, not compassion, that leaks out between his syllables: "You couldn't kill her with an ax," he sneers.That patient—the wide-hipped, unwieldy woman at the heart of Dorothy Parker's 1929 short story "Big Blonde"—is a familiar image in books, films, songs, comic books, TV series, video games and, now, politics: The woman as monster. The over-large, over-ambitious, overbearing creature who irritates everybody, the death-defying witch who just won't go away—and who therefore must be destroyed.She's a vampire, a zombie, an alien, a werewolf, a psychopath, a serial killer. She's Alex, the Glenn Close character in "Fatal Attraction" (1987), who ... keeps ... on ... coming. She's the looming, clutching, stifling mother or wife or girlfriend in a Philip Roth novel. (Which novel? Take your pick.) She's the eerie, outlandish creature in the Sylvia Plath poem "Lady Lazarus" (1965), who proclaims, "Out of the ash / I rise with my red hair / And I eat men like air." She's the vengeful giantess in the 1958 film "Attack of the 50 Foot Woman."

It’s the acceptability of this rage that makes me the saddest. The complacence when Chris Matthews refers to Clinton as a she devil makes me furious. Perhaps the underlying rage has the same source for us both. You see, Clinton, to me, does not seem like a she-devil. She seems like a smart, compassionate, caring, assertive woman. She reminds me of my Mom.

The New Post...

2008-06-19T07:55:00.000-07:00

I don't know how many of you ever made it to my dearly beloved and now departed gay bar The Post. It was a little dungeon of drunken iniquity in a dark alleyway just off Rittenhouse Square. You felt like you needed a password to get in, but once you were inside you were greeted by the nicest, most friendly bartender in the world--Jimmy, known in some circles as Mr. Northeast Leather. This man loved Anna and I from the minuted we entered. He even bought me dinner the night Anna left me to go visit her mom. It was the first time we'd been apart. We celebrated our 6month-aversary there. We celebrated birthdays there. I had an entire shrimp platter spilled on me one New Years Eve. It was an unlikely venue for me to feel so at home, but if you have ever gone to Sisters you will know exactly why I loved the Post. It was everything Sisters wasn't. The rafters were decorated with stuffed teddy bears sucking each other off, there were Drawing 101 gesture drawings of naked men on the wall, and in the back a second bar with the most disinterested male strippers I'd ever seen swaying back and forth to gay dance music. Still, i loved it. Then the owner was caught with a pile of Meth in the back room and The Post was no more.

Flash back to another dream of mine--to open a lesbian bar that doesn't suck. It would be just like The Post but without the strippers. It would have better beer on tap, a small dance floor and Patsy Cline in the jukebox and ladies could slow dance with their butches. I was really into Stone Butch Blues at the time. Well, it seems two lovely ladies have stolen my idea, not that i can really claim it that much. I'm sure it was a popular thought (again, visit Sisters and you'll know why) but still, it never seemed like it was going to happen, until now. Stir has just opened inside the former Post. It doesn't look at all like what i had envisioned for my lovely lesbian bar. In fact, from the pictures it's hard to tell that it was ever The Post. Still, I'm thrilled to know that the space is being used in a queer way and that there will at least be lesbians slow dancing somewhere in the building. Check it out. 1705 Chancellor St. (a dark ally just south of Walnut Street)

Music for the week

2008-06-13T10:21:00.000-07:00

It is hot as sin this week. It's gym sweat hot just walking the dog. Welcome to what will hopefully be a weekly music posting.

I need Satisfaction.

I don't care for the Rolling Stones.

Below is a list of preferred Satisfaction tracks:

I Can't Get No Satisfaction, Thank God*- The Softies (from It's Love)
(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction- Cat Power (from the Covers Record)
(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction- Devo (from Q: Are We Not Men? A: We Are Devo!)
(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction- Otis Redding (from The Definitive Collection)
Satisfaction*- Eve (from Eve-Olution)

*aren't versions of the classic song but reference directly.

A band I never thought I'd care about post highschool: Rage Against the Machine.

This is especially after the roof party that neighbors threw a few years ago when we lived in West Philly. It was on the roof of our apartment building. They had a D.J. and a Rage cover band. The party went on til at least 3 am and I called the police at least 3 times. A hot Memorial day weekend and the a.c. was broken. We laid in bed forced to listen to Bulls on Parade and screaming party goers running up and down the fire escape across the court yard from our bedroom window.

Even so, I started listening to their first album again a few months back (one of the few benefits of Ipod shuffle and my absurd need to digitally catalog every album I own, even if never to listen). Their self titled debut holds up- day and night 100% better then the bullshit bands they unfortunately inspired, Limp Biscuit or Korn or Linkin Park, etc.

The lyrics leave a bizarre sense of history repeating. The music doesn't let you go from beginning to end. It's kinda great and I'm shocked- only based on the way distance can make one's taste red faced.

Two sentence show review: M.I.A at the Armory, June 5th, Philadelphia

M.I.A. was high energy- a great performer and entertainer. The sound at the Armory was awful- seriously the worst sound I've heard at a show and I've been to some shitty basement/garage/backyard shows in my day.

Current favorite Mountain Goats song: From TG&Y.

"...hang on to your dreams 'til someone beats them out of you."

(full lyrics here)

Until next week y'all.

-R.J.

Baked Goodness, or why i missed the bus twice this morning

2008-06-06T14:35:00.000-07:00

I know I've blogged about Potito's (1614 Ritner Street) and how amazing they are, but it stands to be repeated. Upon missing the first #2 bus this morning I decided a danish would make me feel much better. I walked south on 16th and before I even rounded the corner onto Ritner I could smell the baked lovliness. I got two danishes--cheese and cherry. The cherry was better, but what I really wanted was a danish with both cherry and cheese. I think I need to become more of a regular however before I can begin making suggestions.

I then looked down 16th again and saw that no bus was coming so I decided to purchase something for lunch as well. I went over to Caccia's Bakery for a spinach stromboli. The bread is fresh and the fillings are amazing. Quite honestly, it's the best bread in the city and I don't take that lightly. Another fabulous option I considered is a mixed pizza. For about $10 you can pick from a variety of pizza types and create your own pizza. You get 12 slices in all and they all will be delicous.

I left just in time to see the bus headed up the block. I considered going into the italian specialty store that's right on the corner of 16th and Ritner, but I didn't want to push my luck.

Philadelphia Book Festival

2008-05-15T09:03:00.000-07:00

This looks like a pretty rad event. Any time you can get Bernadette Peters and Barbwa Walters in the same room is bound to be entertaining.

The fun can't start without you!
Love books, music and the arts? Then the second annual Philadelphia Book Festival is where you want to be! For two days we'll be celebrating the reading and literacy with a block party chock-full of fun!

For the complete festival schedule,
visit freelibrary.org/bookfestival or
call 215-686-5322.

Scores of Scribes!
Get ready for a weekend jam-packed with more than 60 of the nation's top writers. Have your book signed by Barbara Walters (Audition: A Memoir), Gregory Maguire (Wicked), Eric Jerome Dickey (Pleasure), Food Network host Ellie Krieger (The Food You Crave), Democracy Now! host Amy Goodman (Standing Up to the Madness), Roscoe Orman (Sesame Street's "Gordon"), Pulitzer Prize-winning poet Jorie Graham (Sea Change), and "Yarn Harlot" Stephanie Pearl-McPhee (Things I Learned from Knitting).

Just added!
Bernadette Peters Reading & Performance
Two-time Tony Award-winning star of stage and screen, Bernadette Peters will join the Philadelphia Book Festival on May 17th at 12:00 p.m. to tell the story of a lonely little dog from her new picture book, Broadway Barks. Ms. Peters will perform "Kramer's Song" from the CD accompanying her book, backed by a trio of musicians featuring musical director Marvin Laird (Gypsy, Annie Get Your Gun). 12:00 p.m. Citi Main Stage

A Block Party of Booksellers
The streets around Parkway Central will be bustling with 100 exhibitors--including publishers, bookstores, cultural nonprofits, and independent authors--selling books, sharing their stories, and presenting in-booth talks and author signings.

Click here for the 2008 list of exhibitors, which includes (all the way from Jamaica!) Bazba Theatrical Players Limited, Drawn & Quarterly, DK, Quirk, Running Press, Camino, more than 40 independently published authors, a "Mini Parkway" with free family activities presented by the Academy of Natural Sciences, Please Touch Museum, and the Philadelphia Museum of Art, and so much more!

Plus, there will be live music on the Toyota Music Stage, fun for kids on the Target Children's Stage, and strolling performances All Around the Library!

Kick-Off for Kids!
The fun begins at 11:30 a.m. on Saturday with wearable balloon art and songs by Sesame Place's Elmo and Abby Cadabby and 11-year-old blind jazz sensation Rocco Fiorentino.

Host Tamala Edwards of 6abc will introduce the characters in our Storybook Parade, and all are welcome to grab a noisemaker and join Winnie the Pooh, Clifford, Toot & Puddle, a Wild Thing, and other favorites, including a cast of life-sized Star Wars figures, for a parade through the festival.

All afternoon kids can settle in to the Children's Story Hour Room for griot-style storytelling, cozy tales and silly poems by nationally known children's authors and illustrators including Kate and Jim McMullan (I'm Bad!), Elbrite Brown (Playing To Win: The Story Of Althea Gibson), and Alan Katz (OOPS!).

Putting their stories to music...

Discover music from around the world on the Toyota Music Stage.You'll be thrilled by Cantaré (Caribbean and South American Music), Guy Davis (American Blues), Benoit Bourque (Traditional Québecois Dance), Rani Arbo & Daisy Mayhem (Blues, Swing and Appalachian Fiddle), Ljova and the Kontraband (Chamber-Jam), Alô Brasil (Brazilian Music and Dance), Catherine Russell (American Jazz and Blues), the Marta Gomez Quintet (South American Folk), and Emeline Michel, the reigning Queen of Haitian song.

Catch the FREE Book Fest Trolley at 17th & Locust Streets (PATCO) or 18th Street & JFK (Suburban Station)!

Ways to feel smart, and ways to feel like an idiot and not even care...

2008-05-10T09:41:00.000-07:00

I've long been a fan of NPR. Certain shows still thrill me--This American Life is still riviting, Wait, Wait don't tell me... is still wildly funny and the Jonathan Schwartz show always makes me happy. However, as far as news, politics and culture go, NPR seems to be getting dumber and dumber. There is no better example of this than KCRW's Le Show with Harry Shearer, which unfortunately sneaks into my home on Sunday afternoon--prime public radio time. This has forced me to look elsewhere for my smart talk radio, and I have found it. I knew of Slate magazine before, but I wasn't really an avid reader. Then I stumbled onto their "gabfest" podcasts. These are smart, intellegent, funny and current. Just listen.

Secondly, if you ever want to feel like a flaming idiot and not care at all, get a kitten. Suddenly, pooping is incredibly entertaining, grooming is adorable and drinking water is awww worthy. Meet Henry, the newest edition to the Philadelph-eli and Anna home.

Sugar Rush

2008-05-02T09:36:00.000-07:00

One of the greatest things about South Philly is the food. There's bread and ravioli and cheese and olives and, most deliciously, pastries. Potito's Bakery, located at 1614 Ritner Street, isn't as nostalgic as Termini Bros., it's not as flashy as Vallari Brothers, but it is down right delicious. Everything is made on the premises, and everyone that enters the door is called "hon." My visit took a little longer than necessary as the woman helping me had to pause to scream at her son who was baking in the basement, but that only added to the charm. Most charming of all--3 sticky buns, two danishes and a birthday cake for under $12.

Best place to stock up for summer reading...

2008-04-22T07:56:00.000-07:00

No one wants to pay $14 for a book that may or may not suck or that is going to go in a pile under the bed until you decide to throw it away. Just last week I was lamenting that there wasn't a "netflix" for books. I then remembered that such a thing does exist and it's called a library. However, if you're like me and can't handle the responsibility of borrowing a book from the city of Philadelphia, I suggest you visit AIDS thrift on 5th and Bainbridge. Upstairs they have rows and rows of books all for 90% off cover price--they didn't even bother to account for inflation. For all you mathematically challenged out there, this means a trashy mystery from 1973 with a cover price of 75 cents will only cost you 7 cents! Yesterday I purchased five books for $3.50. Among them a first edition Tales of the City book for Phil and a Judy Blume novel about a girls "First Time." The camp factor along makes the trek over to AIDS Thrift worth while.

South Philly Living - Taking Advantage of Jersey Without Having to Live There

2008-04-20T08:06:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in a really long time, but I really couldn't pass up the opportunity to share one of my favorite things about living in the shadow of the Walt Whitman (gay!) Bridge - taking advantage of all that South Jersey has to offer, without having to actually live there. Growing up in exurban South Jersey (Marlton 's slogan should read "Over an Hour to Philly at Rush Hour!") I knew early on that I would be fleeing the well-manicured lawns and soul-crushing homogeneity of suburban living as soon as was possible.

Settling in South Philadelphia after brief stints in Virginia and Oregon, I have come to realize that South Jersey ain't all that bad. Don't get me wrong, I'm not planning on moving there (unless we do the gay adoption thing, then sure, for the schools, maybe), but there are so many Jersey amenities a Philadelphian can take advantage of. As we're talking about the suburbs here, most activities do require a car. But there are even a few fun Jersey times to be had via public transportation (They call it PATCO. Which is native Lenni-Lenape for "Pea-Green Train from Seventies").

My two very favorite Jersey activities are buying gas and buying booze. They are both so much easier in Jersey, and cheaper too! Take gas - a hot topic in today's rapidly warming world. A gallon of gas, according to gasbuddy.com, is priced at $3.69 a gallon in South Philly. Gas at the Wawa in Pennsauken, NJ (just over the bridge! Then through Camden.) is priced at $3.21 a gallon. That's a savings of $0.48 a gallon. You just need to buy 6 1/4 gallons to pay for your bridge toll. And the very best part? You don't have to pump it yourself. Which really, is worth its weight in gold. Pumping gas is gross and barbaric - no disrespect to whoever will be pumping my gas next time I'm in Jersey!

Another activity that falls under the label of "Jersey - Cheaper and Easier" is buying booze. The Commonwealth of Pennsylvania's Liquor Control Board runs expensive, bureaucratic wine and spirit shops with very limited selection and hours. Did you know that whenever you buy alcohol in Pennsylvania, 18% of your purchase goes to help the town of Johnstown recover from a devastating flood . . . that took place in 1936? And forget about buying beer. You can either buy a case of beer at a warehouse-like beer distributor or pay an arm and a leg for a six-pack at a deli. In Jersey, you can choose from a wide variety of beer, wine, and liquor, in any size, at clean private liquor stores with helpful staff and convenient hours.

New Years Eve a few years ago fell on a Sunday. As Philadelphians know, most liquor stores are closed on Sundays in Philly. RJ and I decided to go buy some booze and champagne (OK, sparkling white wine) at our local Wine and Spirits Shop on Snyder Ave. by Ikea. This happens to be one of the few stores in Philly with Sunday hours. It was hell on earth. The line, literally, snaked through the store - twice. You couldn't even push your way up and down the aisles to make your selections. People were screaming and yelling and pushing. It looked like pandemonium was about to break out at any minute. We looked at each other, and I said "Let's go to Jersey!". In about twenty minutes, we were standing in a much shorter line at Canal's in Bellmawr, waiting to pay much less than we would have in Philly. We got home quicker than we would have had we waited at the store in South Philly. A word of caution, however. It is, technically, illegal for Pennsylvanians to bring booze over the bridge from Jersey. While the police no longer stop cars to search for alcohol, I still load my purchases into the trunk - just in case!

I realize I have just typed a whole heck of a lot about alcohol - which might make me worry a little bit. But, I still have plenty to say on the topic. As well as other Jersey activities like "Going to the Mall", "Bowling" and "Roller Skating". I will try to share as many insights as I can about using Jersey for its sparkling amenities and then high-tailing it back over the bridge to the City we all love. Thank God for E-Z Pass!

Print Center Evets--The real scoop

2008-04-18T09:01:00.000-07:00

Center City District Gallery Night
Friday, April 18, 5:00-8:30pm
Center City art galleries will open their doors for Center City District Gallery Night. Gallery-goers can peruse a wide array of art while enjoying complimentary hors d’oeurves and cocktails. FREE and open to the public.

ie: come watch people who don't care about art come and get wasted on box wine. Pictures to follow.

Gallery Store Talks
An exciting opportunity for artists and art enthusiasts to discuss prints and photographs in an informal environment at The Print Center Gallery Store. Gallery Store Artists speak about their work, techniques and subject matter. We will offer a 10% discount on the artists’ works that day. FREE and open to the public.

Saturday, April 19, 2:00–3:00pm **SATURDAY**
Bill McRight + Alex Lukas
Both members of the artist collective Space 1026, McRight creates strange and fantastical creatures for magazines, sidewalks, walls and skateboards. He has worked with Cannonball Press, Saturday Skateboards, Swindle Magazine and Mishka NYC. Lukas, originally from Cambridge, MA, creates ‘zines under the name Cantab Publishing. His work has been seen in New York, Boston, Philadelphia and Los Angeles as well as in Swindle Magazine, The Village Voice and The New York Times Book Review.

What this really means is AWESOME. According to an anonymous source, "Bill is really hot in a dirty old man kind of way."

Currently On View:
The Road Not Taken: Orit Hofshi
Etchings & Drypoints 2005-2008: Bill Scott
The Philadelphia Etchings: Janet Towbin

On view through Saturday, May 17, 2008

All events are free and open to the public and will take place at The Print Center unless otherwise noted.
To register, contact Eli VandenBerg at evandenberg@printcenter.org or 215.735.6090 x1
Receive a $5 discount when you sign up for membership and a Print Center Series program at the same time!

SAVE THE DATE
May 31 – August 2, 2008
The Triumph of Democracy: Inside the Studio: Benjamin Edwards

82nd Annual International Competition: Photography
Juried by Joel M. Smith, Curator of Photography, Princeton University Art Museum

Saturday, May 31
Opening Reception 3:00–5:00pm
Gallery Talk by Juror: 3:30pm

South Philly Biennial

2008-04-18T08:27:00.000-07:00

I can't say I know much about it, but it looks like it might be awesome.

The South-Philly BiennialSaturday May 31st, noon – 6pm (rain date June 1st)Outdoors at Italian market (9th and Christian)

Contact: Athena@baratfoundation.org

Southphilly summer beings May 31st , in the bustling Italian Market on a parking lot next to Dibruno’s. The local population will witness as the city’s Emerging artists install an oasis for one day. With help of acclaimed artist, Lizzie Fitch and a network of her contemporaries hailing from New York and Baltimore, the Frank Rizzo parking lot will bloom in a multi media forest including sculpture, painting, drawing, video, and performance. Anyone who passes through the space can become a rockstar with our live band karaoke, while everyone can expect face painting, fortune telling, and magic. The day will dazzle with performances by Sweatheart, a sneak preview at the Fringe Festival, a brass ensemble led by David Fishkin, a big band with Jimmy Cousins, and the untamed antics of the World Café’s Showcase Family, Bonnie Showcase, as she hosts this summer’s extravaganza.The South Philly Biennial is a project of the Barat Foundation and vision of local artist and organizer, Athena Barat. The Barat Foundation is a registered 501c3 not for-profit art and education foundation whose mission is to “transform lives through an interactive educational experience based on cultural exchange, artistic expression, humanistic values, and a commitment to each individual's creative potential”. Athena says the goal of this event is to promote art in the public sphere through community collaboration. A myriad of artists will be represented and present with their diverse world in this free and open public event. The South Philly Biennial is working in partnership with local organizations and members of the community, artists and supporters alike, to kick off a truly extraordinary summer.

For further information on the event and a list of participating sponsers and artists please visit

http://southphillybiennial.blogspot.com/

below is another way to get involved. contact liz rywelski [liz.rywelski@gmail.com] for more info:

"One of the things I'm putting together for this day is a book table. We are looking for zines, books, and free publications.
A list of book-maker contact information will be available since the books will not be for sale.
If you would like to send a book for view only please reply with your address and book size and I will send you an envelope.
If you are local I can pick- up, if you are in the area just drop-off at my house in the Italian Market, or just bring to the table the day of!"

Dr. Wakefield DDS, the hippest dentist in town

2008-04-16T06:35:00.000-07:00

For the past week I have been suffering from a numbing pain coming from my lower left jaw. I know that I'm most likely going to have this tooth pulled. In true last minute McGinley fashion, I choose to get it checked out when right before my face is about to fall off. So Anna and Eli recommended "The Gay Dentist", Dr Wakefield. Not only was this man understanding of my situation (no dental, whaa) he was very accommodating and friendly. He opened his office early to check out my toof! Not to mention he had the coolest pair of specs I've seen on a gentlemen yet. In short, thank you and Eli and Anna another great Philly tip.

P.s. if anyone was wondering Dr. Wakefield told me I have an infected impacted wisdom tooth. Wish me luck getting this evil thing pulled out my head.

PPS--eli here to share this lovely pic of our dear Doc. Should you care to make a more through aquantance, visit

http://www.drcraigwakefield.com/meet.html

where it all began

2008-04-15T14:14:00.000-07:00

here's the first of the city drawings...

drawing

2008-04-11T13:20:00.000-07:00

another drawing...

Locust and 20th.

Farmers' Markets in the City of Philadelphia

2008-04-11T09:45:00.000-07:00

It's about time for local, amazing food. Start planning your weeks around these offerings.

Reading Terminal Market: Open Monday-Saturday, 8 a.m.-6 p.m.12th & Arch Streets, (215) 922-2317

The Italian Market: Closed Sunday afternoons and Monday. 9th Street between Catharine & Wharton Streets, (215) 922-5557

Second Street Farmers’ Market: Many unusual farmers, including goat cheese farmer and organic growers. Open June-mid-November, Saturday from 10 a.m.-2 p.m. 2nd & South Streets, (215) 568-0830

South & Passyunk Farmers’ Market: Small market with produce, flowers and plants. Open mid-May-Thanksgiving, Tuesday from 2-7 p.m. South Street & Passyunk Avenue, (215) 733-9599

South Street West Farmers’ Market: Apples, peaches, organic growers, baked foods, preserves and more. Open June-mid-November, Wednesday from 3-7 p.m. 16th & South Streets, (215) 568-0830

Clark Park Farmers’ Market: Organic produce, flowers, bedding plants, herbs and baked goods. Open June-mid-November, Thursday from 3-7 p.m.; Saturday from 10 a.m.-2 p.m. 43rd Street & Baltimore Avenue, (215) 243-0555

Cliveden Park Farmers’ Market: Baker and a produce vendor with cider, jam, canned goods and vegetables. Wednesday from 2-6 p.m. Chew Avenue & Johnson Street, (215) 568-0830

12th Street Farmers' Market: Small market with produce and flowers. Open June-mid-October, Tuesday from 3-7 p.m. 12th Street between Walnut & Locust Streets, (215) 568-0830

Fitler Square Farmers’ Market: Small market with organic produce and flowers. Open May-mid-November, Saturday from 10 a.m.-2 p.m. 23rd & Pine Streets, (215) 568-0830

Firehouse Farmers’ Market: Located in a former Victorian Firehouse; offers produce, meats, dairy products, flowers and breakfast. Open year-round, Tuesday-Saturday from 8 a.m.-7 p.m. 701 S. 50th Street at Baltimore Avenue, (215) 724-7660.

Dutch Country Farmers’ Market: Six vendors selling produce, deli goods, hot sandwiches, pretzels, Jewish breads and rotisserie meats. Open year-round, Wednesday from 9 a.m.-3 p.m.; Saturday from 8 a.m.-4 p.m.; Thursday and Friday from 8 a.m.-5:30 p.m. 2031 Cottman Avenue, (215) 745-6008

Lancaster County Farmers’ Market: More than a dozen booths, including fresh and smoked meats, pretzels, produce and baked goods. Open year-round, Tuesday from 7 a.m.-4 p.m.; Friday from 7 a.m.-5 p.m.; Saturday from 7 a.m.-4 p.m. 5942 Germantown Avenue, (215) 843-9564

Chestnut Hill Farmers’ Market: More than a dozen vendors selling cut-to-order meats, produce, dairy and ethnic cuisine. Open Thursday and Friday from 9 a.m.- 6 p.m. and Saturday from 8 a.m.-5 p.m. 8229 Germantown & Southampton Avenues, (215) 248-3336

Palmer Park Farmers’ Market: Small market with large variety of produce. Open June-November, Thursday from 2-6 p.m. Frankford Avenue & E. Palmer Street, (215) 568-0830
Lincoln High School Farmers’ Market: Approximately six farmers offering organic produce, goat cheese, fresh fruit and Amish baked goods. Open June-October, Saturday from 10 a.m.-2 p.m. Roland Avenue near Ryan Avenue, (215) 733-9599

Ridge & Girard Farmers’ Market: Small market with produce grown by area teens, as well as fresh cut flowers, Lancaster County fruits and vegetables, herb and flower seedlings. Open June-October, Friday from 2-6 p.m. Ridge & Girard Avenues, (215) 733-9599

Park & Grange Farmers’ Market: Small market with Lancaster County fruits and vegetables. Open June-October, Thursday from 2-6 p.m. Park & Grange Avenues, near Broad & Olney Streets, (215) 733-9599

Freedom Square Farmers’ Market: Small market with locally grown fruits and vegetables, Amish baked goods and barbecue chicken and ribs. Open June-October, Saturday from 10 a.m.-2 p.m. Germantown Avenue & Wister Street, (215) 733-9599

Lancaster Avenue Farmers’ Market: Small market with organic produce and breads, flowers and pastured meats. Open June-October, Saturday from 10 a.m.-2 p.m. Lancaster & Powelton Avenues, (215) 733-9599

Spruce & 33rd Farmers’ Market: Small market featuring organic produce. Open June-October, Thursday from 12 noon-6 p.m. 33rd & Spruce Streets, (215) 733-9599

Call for Entries

2008-04-10T13:43:00.000-07:00

I'll be really honest that I don't much care for the jurors (except the prize juror who is lovely), but I like to support the queer causes and some exposure in that community wouldn't hurt, eh?

CALL FOR ARTISTS

The William Way Community Center (WWCC) Art Gallery calls all emerging local artists 18
years of age or older of the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, & Transgender communities.

ELIGIBILITY
2- Dimensional works, drawings, paintings, mixed media & photographs. Works should be
suitably framed & ready for gallery hanging with overall measurements not exceeding 50”
x 50”.

DEADLINE
Works are to be hand delivered only on Saturday, May 3 or Sunday, May 4 between noon
and 2pm at the WWCC, 1315 Spruce Street, Philadelphia. WWCC will not accept shipments.

ENTRANCE FEE
$10 for one entry, and $20 for two entries.

JURORS
K. Pannepacker, Textile Artist and Curator
Rachelle Lee Smith, Photographer
Prize Juror: John Caperton, Curator of Prints and Photographs
at the Print Center

PRIZES
One artist selected for solo exhibition, 3 artists selected for group exhibition at the WWCC
during the 2008 Calendar year.

INFORMATION
Please contact Candice Thompson, Director of Center Services, 215-732-2220 or
firstrep@waygay.org

food

2008-04-10T08:24:00.000-07:00

Tonight The Print Center is hosting an event with Shelley Spector. It runs from 6-8pm and will surely be interesting. However, if you can't get your ass in gear for art, you best at least come for the food. All food is from great little spots in my neighborhood. First stop was Matteo's on the corner of 12th and Ritner. All the ravioli's and gnocci and spagetti and who knows what else looked amazing. I stuck with stuffed olives, maranated mushrooms and maranated mozzarella--all this for under $10!

Next stop, Caccia's bakery on Ritner and 16th. Small and non-discript with amazing bread, tomato pie, and stromboli. Better than Sarcones (yeah, I said it). As an added bonus, I get repremanded every time I go in there for ordering wrong. It keeps me in my place.

News from Lomo

2008-04-06T11:10:00.000-07:00

Here's the info from my neighborhood association. Do what you will with it.

1. A CANDIDATES NIGHT is scheduled for Tuesday, April 8 at 7:00 at Neumann-Goretti High School in the auditorium. It is my understanding that Dougherty, Keller, Farnese and DiCicco will be there, and perhaps the Republican running as well.

2. EMERGENCY PREPAREDNESS is getting better in Philadelphia. http://www.readynotifypa.org/ will send email or text messages to your phone in the event of an emergency in Philadelphia, Montgomery, Bucks or Chester counties. If you use these services, it's wise to subscribe.

3. The CLEAN-UP today, as part of Mayor Nutter's plan for Philadelphia, was a great success. We had a good turnout, and were able to collect at least a ton of garbage from various areas. If we didn't get to your street or block, we'll try in the near future.
Starbucks donated coffee, Citizens Alliance pitched in, and neighbors from the west side of Broad Street came to help us. Though we sometimes think that our streets have gone to the dogs, we really do live in a great area where people still come out and pull together. I guarantee that many other areas of the city didn't have our turnout or support. Thanks to all who participated!

Hope to see you around the block-
Carter

-------------------
Lower Moyamensing Civic Association
LoMoPhilly@yahoo.com
http://www.lomophilly.org

Rittenhouse Square

2008-04-05T10:53:00.000-07:00

Philly Favorites

2008-04-05T09:07:00.000-07:00

This is a blog about Philly. I'll be inciting the help of a lovely cast of characters to help me by sharing with us their areas of Philadelphia expertise. It will be interesting. I promise.

I've been stalling on this blog since I felt that it was necessary to create a deep and wonderful introductory post. I no longer feel this way. Rather, as this is a blog about, among other things, all that is wonderful about Philadelphia, I will begin listing my favorites. I will continue in this fashion until I find something better to write about.

Favorite gallery: The Print Center I will be giving many plugs for The Print Center as it is my wonderful place of employment. However, I can say that when I first discovered The Print Center many years ago, long before they paid my salary, it immediately became one of my favorite destinations. The shows are wonderful, the staff is friendly and the space is peaceful. I highly recommend coming in.

Favorite gym: Fitness Works I guess it's a bit of a misnomer to say that this is my favorite gym as it is the only gym I have ever gone to. However, it is all that is wonderful and frightening about South Philly rolled into one.